Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Swordfight! Will My Inner Animus Triumph?
On GUARD! My animus screams as he gleefully attacks my own personal demon, Mr. Bealzy, who has come to convince me that I have no reason to exist at all.
"Where'd you get that cool Irish style sword, Animus?" I hate violence, but sometimes the props look simply amazing.
"A gentleman never tells a lady how he procured his sword." My demon, named after Mr. Bealzy in a short story I read as a kid called "Thus I refute you, Bealzy" (anybody know the author of that story? I'd love to read it again!) grabs his tail and the two are fencing.
"You already wasted enough time getting your worthless degree...now you have Multiple Sclerosis and there is NO WAY you will EVER be able to compete with anyone else. It's not like you cared about your future when you were younger, it's not like the schools you went to mean anything---you are a worthless failure who is wasting everyone else's air!" The demon chuckled as he cut my inner animus' arm.
"You bastard!" My animus howled. "I will prevail! I will triumph! That schooling was the best choice we ever made in our lives! I will NEVER regret the decision to go into that Otterbein classroom that night and make the decision we're leaving our meaningless corporate job and no longer taking the easy way out. NEVER!" With that, my animus managed to parry Bealzy's tail successfully and strike Bealzy hard in the side. I never realized that demon blood didn't restrict itself to only one color before. It was a perverted rainbow of ooze.
"Oh, yeah? Say that when your disease finally progresses to the point where you not only have trouble remembering names because your temporal lobe has a lesion, but you can't move! Your life is OVER now! Maybe you would have made it if you'd taken advantage of your genius in your youth, but you squandered yours!"
"I was trying to survive until I could get well enough to make something of myself! I wish I'd never given in to the learned helplessness b.s. you taught me, but now that I've overcome it, I refuse to go back!" My animus yelled. "You know the MAJORITY of MS patients--ESPECIALLY those who were afflicted in their youth--NEVER lose the ability to walk or move? You know there are PLENTY of people who are EXTREMELY successful who have Multiple Sclerosis? Ever seen Teri Garr? I LOVE Teri Garr! You know that the choice to keep one's brain active and solve problems and be active helps you recover? You know they have medications which we are VERY faithful in taking that help stave off further attacks by the immune system and make it more likely for our brain to help heal lesions--a process which HAS been occurring since childhood which is why it took over two decades for us to be diagnosed?
Oh, yeah? Why aren't YOU Teri Garr? Why didn't you use that so called IQ when you were younger?
Because I was a dumbass who gave up trying, that's why. However, during the winter of my discontent I realized that I had the choice to make my life better and I was damned well going to take it! I don't care what you say, I will be a BRILLIANT social psychologist, an amazing lecturer and teacher, and I WILL find a way to correct any problems that my lesions cause so that I can conduct VALID research! I REFUSE to give up!" With that, my animus pierced Bealzy where one of his hearts should be. The demon vanished, with the words:
"I'll be back when you're willing to listen to REASON. They made the Hemlock society for a purpose, you know. Your father was right-"
"Dad was afflicted with his own ills--Borderline personality disorder is what I've always suspected--he took his own insecurities out on everyone dependent upon him. Despite this, though, he managed to do many things that convinced me that he loved me and did the best that he could. It's just that he was suffering so badly from his own trauma and pain that he wasn't ABLE to nurture anyone else!" I screamed back. I looked at my animus.
"It's weird when you realize your parents are human beings with their own pain and failings and successes, isn't it?"
My animus put his arms around me, "Yeah--but it's so much better than just hating them--that's such an easy answer and all it does is cause so much more pain."
"I LOVE this sword," I said, looking at the blade. It was patterned after a beautiful piece I'd seen in a museum somewhere, with a fat curved blade on each side that narrowed quickly into a vicious tip. On the hilt I noticed jewels--there was an emerald, my purple birthstone, and the hilt which you gripped looked like my Irish wedding ring, with two hands coming together towards the emerald (which was heart shaped) and a crown pointing towards the blade.
"Yeah, but it's not exactly practical on the street, now is it?"
"Most muggers are probably just going to shoot you,"
"You're better off just knowing how to avoid being cornered so you don't have to deal with it--talking to yourself and acting crazy helps, but it has the downside of social stigma. There are some moves you and I should practice, though--quick and dirty--you know MS or NO MS you've managed to keep in shape and you're pretty strong. There's no excuse for you to wimp out, ever."
"Yeah," I smiled. "No excuse to wimp out or give up. Never."
"Where'd you get that cool Irish style sword, Animus?" I hate violence, but sometimes the props look simply amazing.
"A gentleman never tells a lady how he procured his sword." My demon, named after Mr. Bealzy in a short story I read as a kid called "Thus I refute you, Bealzy" (anybody know the author of that story? I'd love to read it again!) grabs his tail and the two are fencing.
"You already wasted enough time getting your worthless degree...now you have Multiple Sclerosis and there is NO WAY you will EVER be able to compete with anyone else. It's not like you cared about your future when you were younger, it's not like the schools you went to mean anything---you are a worthless failure who is wasting everyone else's air!" The demon chuckled as he cut my inner animus' arm.
"You bastard!" My animus howled. "I will prevail! I will triumph! That schooling was the best choice we ever made in our lives! I will NEVER regret the decision to go into that Otterbein classroom that night and make the decision we're leaving our meaningless corporate job and no longer taking the easy way out. NEVER!" With that, my animus managed to parry Bealzy's tail successfully and strike Bealzy hard in the side. I never realized that demon blood didn't restrict itself to only one color before. It was a perverted rainbow of ooze.
"Oh, yeah? Say that when your disease finally progresses to the point where you not only have trouble remembering names because your temporal lobe has a lesion, but you can't move! Your life is OVER now! Maybe you would have made it if you'd taken advantage of your genius in your youth, but you squandered yours!"
"I was trying to survive until I could get well enough to make something of myself! I wish I'd never given in to the learned helplessness b.s. you taught me, but now that I've overcome it, I refuse to go back!" My animus yelled. "You know the MAJORITY of MS patients--ESPECIALLY those who were afflicted in their youth--NEVER lose the ability to walk or move? You know there are PLENTY of people who are EXTREMELY successful who have Multiple Sclerosis? Ever seen Teri Garr? I LOVE Teri Garr! You know that the choice to keep one's brain active and solve problems and be active helps you recover? You know they have medications which we are VERY faithful in taking that help stave off further attacks by the immune system and make it more likely for our brain to help heal lesions--a process which HAS been occurring since childhood which is why it took over two decades for us to be diagnosed?
Oh, yeah? Why aren't YOU Teri Garr? Why didn't you use that so called IQ when you were younger?
Because I was a dumbass who gave up trying, that's why. However, during the winter of my discontent I realized that I had the choice to make my life better and I was damned well going to take it! I don't care what you say, I will be a BRILLIANT social psychologist, an amazing lecturer and teacher, and I WILL find a way to correct any problems that my lesions cause so that I can conduct VALID research! I REFUSE to give up!" With that, my animus pierced Bealzy where one of his hearts should be. The demon vanished, with the words:
"I'll be back when you're willing to listen to REASON. They made the Hemlock society for a purpose, you know. Your father was right-"
"Dad was afflicted with his own ills--Borderline personality disorder is what I've always suspected--he took his own insecurities out on everyone dependent upon him. Despite this, though, he managed to do many things that convinced me that he loved me and did the best that he could. It's just that he was suffering so badly from his own trauma and pain that he wasn't ABLE to nurture anyone else!" I screamed back. I looked at my animus.
"It's weird when you realize your parents are human beings with their own pain and failings and successes, isn't it?"
My animus put his arms around me, "Yeah--but it's so much better than just hating them--that's such an easy answer and all it does is cause so much more pain."
"I LOVE this sword," I said, looking at the blade. It was patterned after a beautiful piece I'd seen in a museum somewhere, with a fat curved blade on each side that narrowed quickly into a vicious tip. On the hilt I noticed jewels--there was an emerald, my purple birthstone, and the hilt which you gripped looked like my Irish wedding ring, with two hands coming together towards the emerald (which was heart shaped) and a crown pointing towards the blade.
"Yeah, but it's not exactly practical on the street, now is it?"
"Most muggers are probably just going to shoot you,"
"You're better off just knowing how to avoid being cornered so you don't have to deal with it--talking to yourself and acting crazy helps, but it has the downside of social stigma. There are some moves you and I should practice, though--quick and dirty--you know MS or NO MS you've managed to keep in shape and you're pretty strong. There's no excuse for you to wimp out, ever."
"Yeah," I smiled. "No excuse to wimp out or give up. Never."
