Sunday, May 21, 2006
The Miskatonic Alumni Association Meeting 06
Welcome, all of you! As the class president of graduating class '04--as well as the longest surviving class president, I can not tell you just how grateful I am to be here addressing all of you! Let me also comment that this meeting is officially the largest meeting ever reported in the history of Miskatonic University for its previous alumni, beating the all time record of ten alumni present!
No, Gregory, I am not counting zombies. That's why we're saying this group has twelve alumni instead of the thirteen counting you. No, I am NOT being unfair--you're dead and don't have to pay taxes, you didn't give your inheritance to the University for the new Sciences building, so why should we count you anyway? Oh, and by the way--could you move downwind of everyone? Also--stop trying to chomp on Margaret's nice new hat--it's not the fashion statement she wishes to make. Could somebody pick up a plate from the refreshment tables and get him some hufu treats? Before Christian gets all PTSD driven again and starts shooting the shotgun like last time, accidentally killing still more alumni before their time? Thank you, Igor. I knew I could count upon your cooperation. Would you mind seeing me after this meeting about perhaps supervising some surgery in which I can replace my missing foot? Thanks, Buddy! My next toast will be to you!
Students who graduate other universities often celebrate the progress in each other's lives by attending other rites of passage: graduation ceremonies, homecoming games, weddings, and baby showers! Miskatonic holds the unique distinction of creating the largest funeral congregations seen for each and every alumni who dies horribly due the unseen hands of the Old Ones! Students who graduate from Ivy League schools find themselves in prestigious positions, often wielding world power, but how many of them can say that they have controlled a shoggoth? How many of those kids can say they not only died in service of their country, but to save humanity from a fate too terrible to describe? Only Miskatonic University students can make that claim, my friends. It isn't OUR fault that nobody believes us! How many other university graduates fill up insane asylumns and criminally insane prisons in the same percentages that Miskatonic can brag about? Just realize this, folks: of all the universities in the world, more serial killers have come from OUR hallowed institution. Criminals around the world blanche in fear of our graduates. The Mafia pays US off, and the US army feels helpless to our demands!!
MWAAAHAHAHAHA! GO PODS! GO CEPHLAPODS! IA! IA! THE GOAT WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG. PLAY YOUR FLUTE FOR AZATHOTH! PLAY LOUD AND PROUD--
OK, Thank you, Igor, I was thirsty. Your threat about the foot you have on ice being fed to our team mascots has helped me regain control. I haven't been the same since we lost my best friend and fiance Wanda to the deeps. Really folks, I'm sorry about that. I know that you all can at least understand my pain--we meet in the support groups several times a week, after all! Hell, Reginald--we shared a room together at Belleview! We played pranks on the psychiatrist, who hung himself before we were dishonorably discharged! Sheesh--some people take effigies so seriously!
I see--no, Igor, don't dump the foot into the biological science pool! Yes, the speech is almost done! Ahem, on the table, please observe our signup sheets for welcoming the new freshmen, as well as the PTSD group advertisement. Let's all hope that somehow we manage to survive in spite of ourselves and gibber sanely in 2007!
Yes, Igor, we DO have a treat in 2007! We will have a speech to all of the student body, even the disembodied parts, from our most famous long lived alumni, Charles Dexter Ward and Randolph Carter! They will be imparting survival tips, as well as bribery methods! It is a lot to look forward to, so let's hope all of us make it that far!
Thank you all! Enjoy those refreshments! Igor, please--you brought the morphene, didn't you?
No, Gregory, I am not counting zombies. That's why we're saying this group has twelve alumni instead of the thirteen counting you. No, I am NOT being unfair--you're dead and don't have to pay taxes, you didn't give your inheritance to the University for the new Sciences building, so why should we count you anyway? Oh, and by the way--could you move downwind of everyone? Also--stop trying to chomp on Margaret's nice new hat--it's not the fashion statement she wishes to make. Could somebody pick up a plate from the refreshment tables and get him some hufu treats? Before Christian gets all PTSD driven again and starts shooting the shotgun like last time, accidentally killing still more alumni before their time? Thank you, Igor. I knew I could count upon your cooperation. Would you mind seeing me after this meeting about perhaps supervising some surgery in which I can replace my missing foot? Thanks, Buddy! My next toast will be to you!
Students who graduate other universities often celebrate the progress in each other's lives by attending other rites of passage: graduation ceremonies, homecoming games, weddings, and baby showers! Miskatonic holds the unique distinction of creating the largest funeral congregations seen for each and every alumni who dies horribly due the unseen hands of the Old Ones! Students who graduate from Ivy League schools find themselves in prestigious positions, often wielding world power, but how many of them can say that they have controlled a shoggoth? How many of those kids can say they not only died in service of their country, but to save humanity from a fate too terrible to describe? Only Miskatonic University students can make that claim, my friends. It isn't OUR fault that nobody believes us! How many other university graduates fill up insane asylumns and criminally insane prisons in the same percentages that Miskatonic can brag about? Just realize this, folks: of all the universities in the world, more serial killers have come from OUR hallowed institution. Criminals around the world blanche in fear of our graduates. The Mafia pays US off, and the US army feels helpless to our demands!!
MWAAAHAHAHAHA! GO PODS! GO CEPHLAPODS! IA! IA! THE GOAT WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG. PLAY YOUR FLUTE FOR AZATHOTH! PLAY LOUD AND PROUD--
OK, Thank you, Igor, I was thirsty. Your threat about the foot you have on ice being fed to our team mascots has helped me regain control. I haven't been the same since we lost my best friend and fiance Wanda to the deeps. Really folks, I'm sorry about that. I know that you all can at least understand my pain--we meet in the support groups several times a week, after all! Hell, Reginald--we shared a room together at Belleview! We played pranks on the psychiatrist, who hung himself before we were dishonorably discharged! Sheesh--some people take effigies so seriously!
I see--no, Igor, don't dump the foot into the biological science pool! Yes, the speech is almost done! Ahem, on the table, please observe our signup sheets for welcoming the new freshmen, as well as the PTSD group advertisement. Let's all hope that somehow we manage to survive in spite of ourselves and gibber sanely in 2007!
Yes, Igor, we DO have a treat in 2007! We will have a speech to all of the student body, even the disembodied parts, from our most famous long lived alumni, Charles Dexter Ward and Randolph Carter! They will be imparting survival tips, as well as bribery methods! It is a lot to look forward to, so let's hope all of us make it that far!
Thank you all! Enjoy those refreshments! Igor, please--you brought the morphene, didn't you?
