Friday, May 12, 2006
How to Become a Real Live Zombie!
Consider this essay a PSA:
Have you ever been envious of those strangely invulnerable creatures in all the horror movies? Have you ever wondered what life would be like after one is reanimated from the dead? Admit it: doesn't part of you just want to try the transcendental experience so you can brag to your friends?
Help has arrived!
LYNX'S GUIDE TO BECOMING ZOMBIEFIED
Just a few easy steps and you can make money in a cheesy horror flick and scare all your friends and neighbors! Whoo-hoo! This technique has been tried involuntarily by me and I assure you, it absolutely works!
1.) Sleep--remember sleep? You absolutely shouldn't. Sleep should be something you only dimly recall. Your sleeplessness, however, must NOT be caused by caffeine abuse or use of any uppers and must be ENHANCEABLE by narcotic or sleep causing medication. Reading horribly written academic journal articles won't help. Trying to exhaust yourself with intense physical exercise or trying
dance or yoga only energizes you further. You will ACTUALLY FINISH that 900 page yawner that's supposed to be so deep and intellectual--and wonder why everyone's made such a big deal out of it! Even TV will not be boring enough to lull you to rest! Your pet cats, who have growled at you, mewed at you, and have constantly walked to you, then trotted to your bed as if to say, "can you take a hint--you're scaring us" so that they can purr on your chest--they will be ineffectual. Instead, you will be wide awake while endearingly cute creatures nestle upon your chest and legs. There is an advantage of this--once they realize that there are other cats around and decide it's time for a turf war over you, you can intervene instead of flopping over.
2.) Remember that "sleep, remember sleep?" pointer? Have your body decide that it refuses to have ANYTHING to do with sleep (maybe it got sick of all those dumb nightmares and is getting even, who knows?) for at least forty-eight hours. Maybe your body even decides that forty eight hours should just begin this hellish exercise and have it try to double the time.
3.) Voila! You will be a zombie! Not only that, but you have the advantage of not craving brains! Actually, food will kind of scare you as you begin to hallucinate and dream while you are still awake!
There are advantages to zombiehood:
1.) So much more hip than the old "vampire movement"--a movement that is now being referred to by horror editors as "the new Star Trek Phenomenon of the Beastie world".
2.) Things won't make sense, but you will have the enlightening moment in which you realize that it's not supposed to! You will suddenly be amused by magazines in the checkout counter which are more concerned with Angelina Jolie than the Iraqi war.
3.) Not just that, but EVERYTHING suddenly becomes very, very amusing
4.) Pretty colors will surround people's heads! You will hallucinate seeing strings leading up to the sky from their heads!
5.) All zombie speech in movies will suddenly make complete sense to you, and you will comprehend finally just how limited the alive folk are in their conversational topics.
6.) If anyone disturbs you, you can just try to fake eating their brains by lunging at their heads! Guaranteed to get rid of annoying salesmen, drug dealers, and stalking ex-boyfriends of the neighbor downstairs! Beware of dog? Forget that! The dog should beware of YOU!
Anyone wish to join me in my new transcendental state? I swear I could use some intelligent ghoulish conversation.
Have you ever been envious of those strangely invulnerable creatures in all the horror movies? Have you ever wondered what life would be like after one is reanimated from the dead? Admit it: doesn't part of you just want to try the transcendental experience so you can brag to your friends?
Help has arrived!
LYNX'S GUIDE TO BECOMING ZOMBIEFIED
Just a few easy steps and you can make money in a cheesy horror flick and scare all your friends and neighbors! Whoo-hoo! This technique has been tried involuntarily by me and I assure you, it absolutely works!
1.) Sleep--remember sleep? You absolutely shouldn't. Sleep should be something you only dimly recall. Your sleeplessness, however, must NOT be caused by caffeine abuse or use of any uppers and must be ENHANCEABLE by narcotic or sleep causing medication. Reading horribly written academic journal articles won't help. Trying to exhaust yourself with intense physical exercise or trying
dance or yoga only energizes you further. You will ACTUALLY FINISH that 900 page yawner that's supposed to be so deep and intellectual--and wonder why everyone's made such a big deal out of it! Even TV will not be boring enough to lull you to rest! Your pet cats, who have growled at you, mewed at you, and have constantly walked to you, then trotted to your bed as if to say, "can you take a hint--you're scaring us" so that they can purr on your chest--they will be ineffectual. Instead, you will be wide awake while endearingly cute creatures nestle upon your chest and legs. There is an advantage of this--once they realize that there are other cats around and decide it's time for a turf war over you, you can intervene instead of flopping over.
2.) Remember that "sleep, remember sleep?" pointer? Have your body decide that it refuses to have ANYTHING to do with sleep (maybe it got sick of all those dumb nightmares and is getting even, who knows?) for at least forty-eight hours. Maybe your body even decides that forty eight hours should just begin this hellish exercise and have it try to double the time.
3.) Voila! You will be a zombie! Not only that, but you have the advantage of not craving brains! Actually, food will kind of scare you as you begin to hallucinate and dream while you are still awake!
There are advantages to zombiehood:
1.) So much more hip than the old "vampire movement"--a movement that is now being referred to by horror editors as "the new Star Trek Phenomenon of the Beastie world".
2.) Things won't make sense, but you will have the enlightening moment in which you realize that it's not supposed to! You will suddenly be amused by magazines in the checkout counter which are more concerned with Angelina Jolie than the Iraqi war.
3.) Not just that, but EVERYTHING suddenly becomes very, very amusing
4.) Pretty colors will surround people's heads! You will hallucinate seeing strings leading up to the sky from their heads!
5.) All zombie speech in movies will suddenly make complete sense to you, and you will comprehend finally just how limited the alive folk are in their conversational topics.
6.) If anyone disturbs you, you can just try to fake eating their brains by lunging at their heads! Guaranteed to get rid of annoying salesmen, drug dealers, and stalking ex-boyfriends of the neighbor downstairs! Beware of dog? Forget that! The dog should beware of YOU!
Anyone wish to join me in my new transcendental state? I swear I could use some intelligent ghoulish conversation.
