Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Moving
Good thing I'm not superstitious--any signs for this move are looking horrific. Not even bringing up the fact that both of us have been sick with fevers over 100 degrees, the house itself is throwing a hissy.
I can't believe I am admitting this fact in public. Maybe the fever's to blame, but it's as if the house doesn't want us to leave. Weird things are happening that I can't easily explain away. Here's some examples that have always been about:
1.) Things often fall or move without human or physical intervention.
2.) Orbs have been spotted on photos--I used to blame bad lighting, of course, but right now I'm sick and my imagination's getting the better of me so I'm entertaining the idea that it may be something else.
3.) We've always had problems with the phone--the wiring is old, this is a house with a good history, but there have been times that the phone has been willfully disconnected without feline or human intervention (though the bill has been paid). It's as if someone or something is trying to protect us from a dangerous phonecall or something--I have always felt welcome and safe in here, as if whatever is in here approves enough of me to put up with me. The only way to do this involves going upstairs to an impossible to reach area by cats and pulling out wires to that connect our phones to the main lines. This has occurred several times since I've lived here.
4.) We've got great ghost stories from other people who have lived here. Sasha was nursed by a kindly ghost during a severe fever here, other tenants have sworn they've seen people dressed in clothing that is centuries old. All reports of the ghosts have been positive--whatever is here appears to be good, decent folk and therefore I can't help but respect and appreciate them.
5.) The ferret's sudden decline in health and demise (this will be its own entry)
We're moving so that I can finish my Ph.D. Question is, will I be ABLE to? I'm not in remission for Multiple Sclerosis--my brain still has problems even though I've worked my ass off and I take all medications required, no matter how unpleasant. I'm terrified. Yes, Tony will be with me this time--I won't be alone and I'll know why I'm feeling the symptoms I suffer though, I have coping mechanisms installed and ways to double check and correct for the mental errors, but am I being unrealistic to even try for my Ph.D.? I want to be competent and contribute to my field. Will this even be possible with this condition?
I love this house. I like our neighbors, our location, the house, I'm even attached to the ghosts that I don't technically believe in, they are nice folk. I love Dayton, even if it does have an inferiority complex. I just don't want to waste my life by giving up too easily. Am I headed for failure? Everyone's been greatly encouraging, but I work and work and don't feel secure at all in my ability. Course, I never felt secure to begin with, but will I ever be able to succeed?
The ferret died, my hope is on its last legs, whatever's made me sick has made me even sicker--I don't know if we're kidding ourselves to believe I can finish my Ph.D. program and be a competent professor. Tony's convinced I'm underestimating myself, but he hasn't gone to the same room seven times because he suddenly cannot remember why he's in the room to begin with. I've always been absent minded, but there's an added dimension that I may not be able to correct for.
I can't believe I am admitting this fact in public. Maybe the fever's to blame, but it's as if the house doesn't want us to leave. Weird things are happening that I can't easily explain away. Here's some examples that have always been about:
1.) Things often fall or move without human or physical intervention.
2.) Orbs have been spotted on photos--I used to blame bad lighting, of course, but right now I'm sick and my imagination's getting the better of me so I'm entertaining the idea that it may be something else.
3.) We've always had problems with the phone--the wiring is old, this is a house with a good history, but there have been times that the phone has been willfully disconnected without feline or human intervention (though the bill has been paid). It's as if someone or something is trying to protect us from a dangerous phonecall or something--I have always felt welcome and safe in here, as if whatever is in here approves enough of me to put up with me. The only way to do this involves going upstairs to an impossible to reach area by cats and pulling out wires to that connect our phones to the main lines. This has occurred several times since I've lived here.
4.) We've got great ghost stories from other people who have lived here. Sasha was nursed by a kindly ghost during a severe fever here, other tenants have sworn they've seen people dressed in clothing that is centuries old. All reports of the ghosts have been positive--whatever is here appears to be good, decent folk and therefore I can't help but respect and appreciate them.
5.) The ferret's sudden decline in health and demise (this will be its own entry)
We're moving so that I can finish my Ph.D. Question is, will I be ABLE to? I'm not in remission for Multiple Sclerosis--my brain still has problems even though I've worked my ass off and I take all medications required, no matter how unpleasant. I'm terrified. Yes, Tony will be with me this time--I won't be alone and I'll know why I'm feeling the symptoms I suffer though, I have coping mechanisms installed and ways to double check and correct for the mental errors, but am I being unrealistic to even try for my Ph.D.? I want to be competent and contribute to my field. Will this even be possible with this condition?
I love this house. I like our neighbors, our location, the house, I'm even attached to the ghosts that I don't technically believe in, they are nice folk. I love Dayton, even if it does have an inferiority complex. I just don't want to waste my life by giving up too easily. Am I headed for failure? Everyone's been greatly encouraging, but I work and work and don't feel secure at all in my ability. Course, I never felt secure to begin with, but will I ever be able to succeed?
The ferret died, my hope is on its last legs, whatever's made me sick has made me even sicker--I don't know if we're kidding ourselves to believe I can finish my Ph.D. program and be a competent professor. Tony's convinced I'm underestimating myself, but he hasn't gone to the same room seven times because he suddenly cannot remember why he's in the room to begin with. I've always been absent minded, but there's an added dimension that I may not be able to correct for.
