dandelionfiles

7 things I plan to do before I die
1.) Learn to bake bread that doesn’t resemble a hockey puck
2.) Finish all the novels/poems/short stories that are in my head
3.) Speak French well enough so that any Francophone who hears me won’t clutch his/her head in pain
4.) Visit Scotland, and see Montreal in the spring one more time
5.) Learn to play one instrument half decently
6.) Learn to can and freeze vegetables as well as my mom could
7.) Stop breathing

7 things I can do right now (sorry, nothing real sexy here):
1.) Summarize the Watergate scandal in a clear and concise fashion
2.) Cross my eyes
3.) Type 65 words per minute with 97% accuracy
4.) Amuse a cat
5.) Speed read
6.) Make the best chocolate chip cookies ever
7.) Be tolerant

7 things I can't do
1.) Have clear skin
2.) Eat enough vegetables
3.) Force people to love me
4.) Slack off at work
5.) Drink a whole beer without gagging
6.) Keep my apartment clean
7.) Learn to love the works of J.R.R. Tolkien

Phrases overused:
1.) "asshat”
2.) “tool/toolbox”
3.) “smoking crack/high”
4.) "Yeeaaahh" (as skepticism)
5.) "[insert curse word here]"
6.) "Noooo!" (in amazement, not anger)
7.) “poster child for [insert dysfunctional state of existence here]”

Celebrity crushes:
1.) Colin Mochrie (yeah, that’d be the balding middle-aged Scottish-Canadian improv comedian)
2.) um, that’s pretty much it, sorry, although I have been known to get through a long/boring movie by figuring out which actor in any given scene I might have sex with (hint: no Scientologists need apply). This also applies to random TV shows that I find myself sucked into. Wouldn’t dignify that with the name “crush” though.