Tuesday, December 13, 2005


Roomba wars

IN THIS CORNER: we have one handy-dandy bona fide Roomba. Weighing maybe around ten pounds, this Roomba can clean without any trouble. Can it manage to defeat the four regional champs that are fighting to dominate it?

IN THIS CORNER: We have our previous Grafton feline champions: Quetzlcoatl, Houdini, Gable, and Bogey. Each cat weighs between ten and twelve pounds and fortunately lack an opposable thumb. Bogey has an advanced degree in "Gravitology"--each day he checks to make sure that gravity still works by toppling objects to the ground on the assumption that when gravity FAILS he will finally be able to fly and capture those pesky birds that annoy him. Quetzlcoatl has mastered the "drop shot" in which she can strategically drop objects and strike beings she is not fond of, including one scary blind date years ago in Lynx's life who tried (and failed) to date rape her. Houdini has been reaching her full size and is coming into her own as possible house matriarch.

All four of our regional champions are determined to best this new robotic interloper in the household. Although sniffing the Roomba has not yet gotten it labeled as a cat in the hierarchy, it's suspicious chasing behavior has labeled it a genuine threat to their tranquility.

WHO WILL WIN? Dear readers, I advise those with tenderhearts to turn away, as this could get BLOODY. Parts could be ejected, ears could be torn. Worse yet, Lynx could get really annoyed at all four cats and lock them into the PENALTY BOX. What will happen? What?

ROUND ONE: The Roomba is off to a good start, busily vacumming the bedroom. Bogey uses his well known move of dropping a vase on the floor, but since he was distracted by a bird outside the shattered vase has no effect upon the Roomba. In fact, the Roomba is simply cleaning up all the debris! This is AMAZING, folks! After noticing the mess, Lynx spots Bogey, scoops his fuzzy butt into her arms, and puts him into the penalty box. Bogey is defeated!

ROUND TWO: Houdini decides to mount a massive attack by preparing to POUNCE upon the roomba and claim it as her slave. Unfortunately, at the moment she starts to pounce she notices Gable, who she decides to attack instead. The Roomba decides this is a clear time to mount an offense, as it's dirt detector has decided both cats are grime to be cleared. Both cats stop shadowboxing long enough to realize they are being chased, and run in fear from the room, both fighting over a safe place on top of the fridge and mantle. Gable AND Houdini are officially out of the game!

Round Three: Quetzlcoatl, who has watched the drama quietly, decides to get into the ring. Crafily dodging the ROOMBA that appears to chase her, she jumps upon the desk and finds a favorite cat toy to knock down onto the Roomba. Since it only weighs two ounces, it has no effect, stunning Quetzlcoatl. The Roomba remains UNDEFEATED, folks! Quetzlcoatl appears as if she is thinking, wrinkling nonexistent eyebrows and concentrating upon the ROOMBA's movements. With a bold swish, she knocks down the cat's favorite string to chase, hoping the ROOMBA will get the string all caught up in its rotors and be brought to its nonexistent knees! It looks like things are all over for the ROOMBA, folks! Quetzlcoatl sits back and waits for her attack to destroy her rival.

Wait: OUT OF THE CORNER THERE IS A MIRACLE SAVE! It is the house Ferret, called Sweatpea for NO good reason, originally a gift given to the roommate of Lynx and Tony which quickly became Lynx and Tony's ferret to take care of! The Ferret has been observed "dancing" with the ROOMBA, and appears to have a good relationship with the thing despite all probabilities. The Ferret secrets the string away from the Roomba before the Roomba can be destroyed by sucking it into its jaws. Quetzlcoatl Slinks away with her tail between her legs, shaking her head as she admits defeat!

The Winner of the battle? Why, it is Sweetpea, who is currently RIDING the Roomba with NO ill effects! Unfortunately, as the photographer tries to take a picture, the ferret falls off of the device and dances around it instead while appearing to "giggle".

Stay tuned for future fights in the Grafton household!

I bet all your animals would defeat Orlando Bloom, though... :^)
Awesome! I had a hunch that if I searched for "roomba cat" on Technorati I would find some awesome posts about Roomba vs Feline relations, but I didn't expect to find anything this awesome! You've written a beautiful story. <3
Thanks, mungojelly:)! It's great to know somebody's actually reading this stuff! Feel free to stop by anytime!

Oh, and Surtsey Islander? I'm afraid to subject my cats to Orlando Bloom--matter and anti-matter, you know:).

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